How to find love online

Is there a secret recipe to finding the right person, or is it really just down to luck?

 

With so many apps, profiles and photos to sift through, the task of online dating sometimes feels impossible. Is there a secret recipe to finding the right person, or is it really just down to luck? To find out, we turned to our very own success stories from Guardian Soulmates and asked long-term couples what advice they would give to singles hoping to find love online.
Don’t look for perfection
With online dating, it is easy to think the grass is always greener. One more date might just lead you to that flawless someone. But in striving for impossible perfection, we risk overlooking the potential in the people we meet.
Pete and Josie* met on Soulmates five years ago and were married in 2016. “There’s a tendency to just keep looking, and looking, and looking. Don’t look for perfection, it doesn’t happen,” says Pete. Not that you should settle for the first person you decide to meet up with, but simply be more forgiving of those you do. Much of the joy of a relationship is that you understand and embrace someone else’s shortcomings – just as they do yours. “It’s all about getting to like each other and accepting the faults as well,” adds Josie.
Don’t give up – go on that second date
We all know how nerve-racking first dates can be. More than likely, your date will be nervous as well, and it can take time to be relaxed around a new person. When Amy met Ryan seven years ago, their first date didn’t quite have the fireworks they were hoping for. But rather than give up, they gave it another chance. And it was worth it. They’ve been married now for three years, with a son who’s 20 months old. “I’d say go on that second date. We got on well the first date, but I didn’t feel the spark,” says Amy, “I was on the fence, but I’m glad I went because I did feel it after that.” Give people the benefit of the doubt. If the conversation flowed the first time, be brave and go for that second date.
Be honest in your profile.

Something that all the couples we spoke to mentioned was the importance of being honest. It creates a base level of trust that is essential if you are looking for a long-term relationship. “Be honest in your profile as the truth will out in the end,” says Ivan, who just celebrated his first wedding anniversary with Emily, whom he met through Soulmates in 2014. And he’s right. With still so much uncertainty about identity online, it sets a bad precedent to lie on your profile and is likely to put someone off. Be honest in your profile; this will up your chances of finding people who like you for who you areTry to have fun with it, let your true colours shineAt the end of the day, the key thing is to enjoy the journey. “My advice would be to try and have fun with it. Try and be authentic, be true to yourself, and don’t be afraid to put down who you are and what you’re looking for,” is Naomi’s suggestion. She and her Soulmates partner Sam were married last year. “She’s right,” says Sam, “keep looking for the little things that stand out about people. It might be a user name, details from their profile or their smile.” If you let your true colours shine from the beginning, your date will be on the same page when you meet.

Should you Date Someone ‘Out of Your League?’

Here are five principles for creating a win-win relationship…

 

 The 2010 film “She’s Out of My League” would hardly be confused with a Hollywood classic. But the premise did raise questions about how singles with much different levels of attractiveness and attributes fare when they become romantically involved. In the movie, Kirk is an average guy who works at the Pittsburgh airport. He’s out of shape, uncoordinated, and drives a clunker. Then he meets a successful, smart, and stunning blonde named Molly.
The story is one take on what happens when Mr. Ordinary and Miss Extraordinary fall in love. Or as the movie’s slogan bluntly states it: “How can a 10 go for a 5?” Knowing how formulaic romantic comedies usually turn out, you can predict the ending to this tale. But can you predict how such mismatched couples fare in real life? Chances are, at some point you have met a couple and said to yourself, “How did he end up with her? She’s too good for him!”
As tactless as it may sound, no one wants to marry someone “beneath” them. We’re not talking necessarily about social class, family status, wealth, or education. We mean the sum total—the whole package–of qualities a person brings to a relationship. Whether a man or woman primarily seeks someone with great earning potential, a charming personality, or sterling character, that person wants a partner whose bottom-line total is similar to his or her own. And they should want this, because it’s rare to find two happily married people who don’t have this kind of equality. As you ponder possible matches and mismatches of your own, keep these thoughts in mind:
Accept the “marketplace” principle of relationships. When you are searching for a partner, you can expect to attract a person whose total “set of attributes” is approximately equal to your own. This is the principle of the marketplace. You want to find the best person you can, but this best person will largely depend on what you bring in trade. This concept may strike some people as crass and calculating, like a business contract being hammered out. But the fact is that all of us want to get a “good deal” when it comes to choosing a mate. A good deal in a romantic context is defined as “a person who brings at least as many qualities to the relationship as you do.”
Assess your own assets. Carefully evaluate what you bring to a potential relationship. The goal is not to inflate your ego by listing all of your wonderful qualities, or to deflate your ego by pinpointing your shortcomings. The goal is to honestly and accurately understand what you have to offer another person.

Appraise the attributes of your partner. Some individuals are unusually intelligent, good-looking, athletically gifted, musically talented, and spiritually thoughtful. Other people bring a more moderate set of qualities to the “negotiating table.” And still others bring significantly fewer qualities. Hone your skills at identifying strengths and weaknesses in members of the opposite sex.
Acknowledge that there’s a wide variety of positive qualities. These days, when someone refers to a man or woman as a “10” or a “5,” of course they’re talking about looks. What that unfortunate numerical rating doesn’t take into consideration are the myriad unseen qualities a person might have to offer—intelligence, sense of humor, generosity, dependability, and so on. Remind yourself that appearance is just one among many traits to evaluate.
Aim for win-win. When it comes to a long-term relationship, you want to feel like a winner in your choice of a partner. And your partner should feel like a winner for choosing you. No one should feel like he or she “got gypped” in their choice of a mate. After all, the strongest couples include two people whose sum total of attributes is closely aligned.
To borrow a page from the Goldilocks fable, when it comes to love and romance, find a partner who is not too far above you, not too far beneath you, but is just right for you.